Clutch City Chronicles: A Houston Sports Fan's Case Of The Blues

Clutch City Chronicles: A Houston Sports Fan’s Case Of The Blues

Now that the dust has settled and the month of July is coming to a close, it’s time to look back on the last 30 days and see where we’ve come as a city and to look forward to what’s next for Houston’s sports teams. But first, let’s be clear on something:

As far as sports goes, the month of July was not very nice to the City of Houston.

First, we collectively dealt with the possibility that future Hall-of-Famer, Houston Texans’ wide receiver Andre Johnson might be playing in a different uniform next season. And that didn’t sit well with most fans.

Then, we nervously watched as Chandler “You’re Not the Boss of Me, Morey” Parsons pushed the Rockets’ hand Dirk Diggler-style and signed with Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks within 120 seconds into the 2014 NBA free agency season.

After that, we followed it up by spending the next three days waiting to see where LeBron James would go and if we would get the chance to sign Chris Bosh.

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As you probably already know, the Rockets were 99% sure Bosh was going to be spending the next few years in a Houston uniform and Daryl Morey had just created an NBA super-team… Only to be left at the altar by an extra in the Jurassic Park trilogy.

After that things got a little dark from there, and although whiskey sales went up in the Bayou City, things began to work themselves out. We traded The Artist Formerly Known As Linsanity (TAFKAL) to the Los Angeles Lakers.

With some key off season acquisitions, the Rockets added some much needed defense to a team that desperately needed it.

And even Andre Johnson showed up to training camp. So what do we worry about now?

Have no fear Houston sports fans, I’m here to help.

The next two hypothetical situations are definitely the worst two news lines that I could think of for Houston sports fans. I guarantee that, if things play-out this way, I’ll have to pack up my belongings and move to a major metropolis that doesn’t care about professional basketball and/or football.

Hmmm… Vancouver seems nice.

Here they are:

Jeremy Lin upsets the Houston Rockets as a sixth seed in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Mother of God.

I really don’t know what could be worse than this. My second-least favorite NBA team being led by my second-least favorite NBA player over, yet, another Rockets first-round exit/choke-job would be absolutely disastrous.

I can see it now — TAFKAL fans and Lakers fans flooding my Twitter mentions with “you-don’t-know-crap” tweets for the rest of my life.

Another off season of “Are James Harden and Dwight Howard Really All-Stars?” columns. An endless stream of “Daryl Morey is NOT a genius (more like an idiot)” comments.

And a never-ending debate among Houston Rockets fans on whether we should rebuild or wait until next year.

I’m already shaking my head at those scenarios now!

What on earth could possibly be worse that that?

Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The bearded Matt Schaub leads the San Antonio Raiders to a stunning, an improbable Super Bowl victory in the first year of the new franchise.

Oh.

Apparently things can get worse. This probably hurts worse than finding out that your supermodel wife was seen canoodling with some little corncob like Justin Bieber that can’t even legally buy beer yet.

It would just be a lifetime of Dallas Cowboys fans pointing out that San Antonio won a championship in their first year. It would be bearded Matt Schaub taking his revenge on Houston.

And it would be the City of San Antonio winning another championship in, yet, another professional sport. The list goes on.

This is, of course, all of my assumption and projection that the Raiders will be moving to the Alamo City.

And while the odds of either happening are slim-to-none next season, I’m already taking the safe route and started to google U-Haul locations in my area.

You should probably do the same.

It’s been a rough summer.

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