Football Follies: Houston Texans Edition

Mandatory Credit: Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

In the late 1960s, NFL Films began Football Follies, gladiator sized men, making giant sized bloopers on the field. Without even realizing it they struck gold, it was stupidity at its finest. Sometime later, after listening to enough interviews, NFL Films decided that these coaches and players off the field are just as hilarious. They threw together some tape and named it Talkin Follies. Ridiculous comments from players and hotheaded coaches screaming.

On Sunday after the Patriots game, our very own, Antonio “Ninja” Smith made some off the field comments, about the defensive implosion in the second half. You’ve most likely heard them by now, but just in case you haven’t, he accused the Patriots of Spygate 2013. In his own words:

"You would have to be a descendant of Tonestradamus to know what we put in this week to be able to change that fast, it is a specific thing that was important to what we were going to do today, to how we would call the defense. They changed it up in a way to where you were in in-decision in calling the defense that way. There’s no way . . . we have not done it ever before and they had never changed it ever before. So it was just kind of fishy how it got changed. It just let me know that something just ain’t right."

He later retracts the statement. Blowing it off like a 16 year old girl that gets busted by her parents, trying to sneak out of her window on a school night. More or less saying, “LOLOL JK JK!”

The 2013 Houston Texans have had their fair share Talkin Follies this season. Not only that, their comments make you scratch your head. Here are a few with some added insight:

Matt Schaub after Pick 6 number four, when asked if the offense is predictable.

"Whoever is saying that, I don’t know. We just need to remain balanced and we need to keep doing what we do and just do it better."

Matt Schaub has clearly been brainwashed by Gary Kubiak at this point. Just keep doing what we do and do it better? How does keep doing what you’re doing fix a problem? How does that not make the offense predictable? Something tells me he thinks that we are in the middle of a playoff race right now. I saw him on the sideline during the Patriots game and he was rocking a playoff beard.

Ben Tate talking about the fans booing Schaub during the Raiders game.

"These fans here in Houston are so up and down and so wishy-washy. Actually, you know, I’m just shocked because this organization has come a long way."

The funny thing about this season, is how the players feel entitled enough to talk smack about their own fans. (Yoni Pollak wrote about fans booing a few weeks ago). Ben Tate even took this a step further, by saying this organization has came a long way. Hi Ben, this is Earth. Have we met? What planet is this guy living on? Two playoff wins in eight seasons. Need I saw more? He followed up this comment with one of the worst games of his career against the Jaguars, of all teams. Nailed it!

Ed Reed commenting on the Texans defense after being released.

"That defense is not a good fit for a lot of people, not just me. The truth is the truth. That defense was not a good fit for a lot of people that are still there."

Ed Reed has become Scottie Pippen right before our very eyes. He brought a lot of experience and leadership to a team that desperately needed it. The only difference is, after Pippen left Houston, he actually played decent on his next team. It’s way easier to use scheme as a scapegoat, than to accept that you’re old and you have nothing left in the tank. Kudos to Ed Reed though, future Hall of Famer, and he outfoxed Rick Smith.

Wade Phillips on Ed Reed’s comments.

"The truth is the truth."

Wade Phillips is a man of few words. He comes off as a man who has never done anything malicious in his life. After Ed Reed bad mouthed his defensive scheme, Wade shrugged, then complimented Reed. He ended his comment by agreeing with Reed, as if he was saying, “Yeah it’s not a good fit for players with bad hips.” At least that’s how I perceive it. Wade is hard man to read. I don’t even think he knows where he is at most of the time.

DeAndre Hopkins on Instagram hack.

"It’s not my genitals."

You know when you first start dating a woman, and you still have shame? So much shame that you’re bashful about farting in the same room as her. Then one day it happens. It’s loud and noticeable. The first thing you do is blurt out, “Man! The spiders are loud in here!” You both laugh, things get awkward for a moment, and it’s over. Hopkins isn’t fooling anyone with that comment, I’m just glad it’s over.

Rick Dennison on Case Keenum after Patriots loss.

"He keeps making strides. Sometimes it’s one forward and one back. But last week he made some plays. He missed a couple."

Can someone please tell me what Rick Dennison does besides “Bleed orange and blue?” Seriously, what is his job?

Bob McNair after Chiefs loss.

"I think the team performed very well today, I don’t know how you’re going to do better.”"

If this quote tells us anything, it’s that we need to be very concerned about Gary Kubiak still bumping fist with Bob McNair next season. This scares me to death. Kubiak might own a Neuralyzer (mind eraser device seen in the movie Men in Black). It’s the only thing that makes sense at this point. Bob is seeing something that everyone else is not.

Gary Kubiak on whether he will start Keenum or Schaub

"I’m going to keep going week to week. Matt is working really hard. I know that Matt wants back on the field"

Gary Kubiak is the master of not answering questions. He is the equivalent to the Mark Sanchez butt fumble, when it comes to Football Follies. His favorite words are: heck, battle, John, nicked, Matt, and fight. His press conferences have become as predictable as his play calling. This quote is so fitting, because it describes him as a coach. His stubbornness is almost arrogant at this point. As if somehow he is going to fool everyone in the room. This makes me feel like I could play quarterback for the Texans. I lack arm strength and mobility, that means I qualify, right?

With four more games left this season, something tells me that we will get a couple more gems from our boys off of Kirby.